Insider

Published 01.05.2024 | By Йосиф

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Insider

Author: Nina Sumire

She was strong for everyone. Except him.

He saw sadness behind her smile. Behind her laughter I heard sobs. Behind her bravado of “deciding everything yourself,” I felt timid pleas for help. Behind her indifference I felt the fear of being rejected. He knew when she was really joking and when there was pain hidden behind the sarcasm.

He loved her oddities madly, and only he did not condemn when she passed through herself waves of emotions, the warmth of sincerity, spontaneity, eccentricity, which baffled everyone else, which repelled others.

He believed in her gratitude and did not look for flattery and hidden meaning behind the words, selfish and disgusting.

He knew what she meant when she spoke with such a passionate expression on her face.

He alone did not calm her down when she came running all in tears, having once again received a slap in the face from Lady Fate. He gave free rein to the flow of her pain so that it wouldn’t burn her from the inside day after day.

He alone did not teach her to live and understand this very life “correctly”.

With him alone, she was not afraid to be weak and stupid. Weak, because with him alone she is not strong, she does not want competition and struggle. She submitted, gaining an unknown power of femininity and fragility over him and did not abuse this gift. Stupid, because next to him alone the mind turned off and the heart turned on, thoughts and words were forgotten; were remembered, buried under a heap of disappointments, feelings and hopes. And then she calmed down in his arms.

With him alone, she could be a capricious little girl, a reckless teenager, a young lover, a trusting soulmate, even sometimes “her boyfriend,” and a woman wise through centuries and millennia, and, of course, a beauty. He alone saw something in her, cast a spell, and remembered.

With him alone, minutes flew away at the speed of light, filled with the most important meaning. With him alone, she could remain silent for an infinitely long time, listening to the legends of silence to the beat of his heart.

She remembered him alone in moments of danger. To him alone she could confess her mistakes, blunders, stupidities, what she felt, what she was thinking about now, dreaming, what she was waiting for, what she hoped for, what she wanted to forget at this very moment, and what she would never, ever do. She trusted him alone with her cosmic infinity, full of mysteries and secrets.

With him alone she always felt good and interesting, he alone delighted her and surprised her day after day, event after event, achievement after achievement.

With him alone. Insider.

He was strange to the whole world, to everyone. Except her.

She could discern tenderness and vulnerability in his cold desire for solitude. Behind his silence I felt a thrill of the warmest feelings in the world. In his gaze, she saw a furious world of cosmic battles between to be and not to be, between decisions, actions and ignorance.

Behind his indifference lay recognition. Behind the cynicism hid the dream of being loved by “the one.” She was the only one next to him in his “I can’t do this anymore, “I can’t stand it anymore”, in his “I want to forget everything and leave”, in his “I love and hate”, in his “leave forever and be with me” .

She was at his breakneck speed on his roads, the roads of Earth and the roads of Fate, and she alone was not afraid of him. Whether into the abyss or onto Everest.

She was there when he accepted the next challenge of the Trials, when a merciless battle awaited him, promising losses and defeats. He couldn’t lose, couldn’t give up, couldn’t give up. At these moments he was invulnerable, invincible, immortal. After all, she was standing behind him.

With her alone he was always right, by the right of a man, more, by the right of a beloved man.

She was in his music and the lines of his books, she was in his dawn and midnight thoughts. He trusted her alone with his dreams, she alone believed in him more than he did himself.

She alone could breathe life into him again, and she alone was given the right to see and hear the real him, to understand and accept him as anyone.

He was with her both a carefree child who loved to play and play pranks, and an eccentric who could come up with anything at any time; he was both a strong man who controlled this world, and in love, as if for the first and last time, passionate, as if there was no turning back, and vulnerable, trusting her alone with his losses; and a wise old man, and a faithful friend, “even at three o’clock in the morning” and “I am always for you.”

She was alone with him in sorrow and in joy, in poverty and prosperity, in his ups and downs.

Insider

Insider

Author: Nina Sumire

She was strong for everyone. Except him.

He saw sadness behind her smile. Behind her laughter I heard sobs. Behind her bravado of “deciding everything yourself,” I felt timid pleas for help. Behind her indifference I felt the fear of being rejected. He knew when she was really joking and when there was pain hidden behind the sarcasm.

He loved her oddities madly, and only he did not condemn when she passed through herself waves of emotions, the warmth of sincerity, spontaneity, eccentricity, which baffled everyone else, which repelled others.

He believed in her gratitude and did not look for flattery and hidden meaning behind the words, selfish and disgusting.

He knew what she meant when she spoke with such a passionate expression on her face.

He alone did not calm her down when she came running all in tears, having once again received a slap in the face from Lady Fate. He gave free rein to the flow of her pain so that it wouldn’t burn her from the inside day after day.

He alone did not teach her to live and understand this very life “correctly”.

With him alone, she could be a capricious little girl, a reckless teenager, a young lover, a trusting soulmate, even sometimes “her boyfriend,” and a woman wise through centuries and millennia, and, of course, a beauty. He alone saw something in her, cast a spell, and remembered.

With him alone, minutes flew away at the speed of light, filled with the most important meaning. With him alone, she could remain silent for an infinitely long time, listening to the legends of silence to the beat of his heart.

With him alone she always felt good and interesting, he alone delighted her and surprised her day after day, event after event, achievement after achievement.

With him alone. Insider.

He was strange to the whole world, to everyone. Except her.

She could discern tenderness and vulnerability in his cold desire for solitude. Behind his silence I felt a thrill of the warmest feelings in the world. In his gaze, she saw a furious world of cosmic battles between to be and not to be, between decisions, actions and ignorance.

She was at his breakneck speed on his roads, the roads of Earth and the roads of Fate, and she alone was not afraid of him. Whether into the abyss or onto Everest.

She was there when he accepted the next challenge of the Trials, when a merciless battle awaited him, promising losses and defeats. He couldn’t lose, couldn’t give up, couldn’t give up. At these moments he was invulnerable, invincible, immortal. After all, she was standing behind him.

With her alone he was always right, by the right of a man, more, by the right of a beloved man.

She was in his music and the lines of his books, she was in his dawn and midnight thoughts. He trusted her alone with his dreams, she alone believed in him more than he did himself.

She alone could breathe life into him again, and she alone was given the right to see and hear the real him, to understand and accept him as anyone.

She was alone with him in sorrow and in joy, in poverty and prosperity, in his ups and downs.

With her alone he was himself.

With her alone. Insider.

Wish you happiness!

© Nina Sumire

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