How we create spoilage stubbornness and helplessness in our children

How we create spoilage, stubbornness and helplessness in our children

Published 15.03.2024 | By Йосиф

How we create spoilage, stubbornness and helplessness in our children

From day one, we reward the child for unwanted behavior. And in most cases, we don’t reward what is desirable. This type of madness often manifests itself throughout life, extending to adult partners. We see results all the time, but the myth of “they should” prevents us from seeing ourselves as the cause. Let’s try to remove this “filter” and see what actually happens. There is an underlying goal related to survival that Darwin did not see, and that would probably have remained unknown if Hubbard had not seen it.

It is believed that the purpose of a living being is to adapt to its environment. This is mistake! No one has ever seen adjusted happy and powerful people. The goal of survival is to adapt the environment to oneself. Homo sapiens became the master of other species precisely because this quality was more strongly expressed in him. Having been born, the baby immediately begins to adapt everything around him and everyone around him. This is his only way to survive: he was caused so much pain and discomfort in the womb that he has no guarantee that you will not continue to bang him further.

One way or another, he must control the environment. It should make you manageable. This is the main thing. The main factor for survival. For this you can sacrifice a lot, you can even endure pain. If he, still helpless, forces you to be predictable, his survival is assured. And so you yourself demonstrate to him what you always react to. You show your weak points, the buttons that trigger your reaction. The baby whines. You don’t react. Then he yells and you jump. Eat! Then his screams make you angry, you swear. Great! You are predictable. You are under control! He is rude and you lose your temper. Wonderful! He becomes stubborn and you turn white. Just what you need! You get angry, lose your temper, punish, even hit, but you invariably react and often give in. The child complains, and without understanding it, you sympathize. He is “sick” and you are worried, you are worried, you are worried, you are afraid. Great, control is guaranteed! Note: you don’t leave him a choice. He plays quietly – you don’t react (that’s how it should be, he’s finally calmed down). He is trying to copy you, to help you, you are a zero (as long as he doesn’t interfere).

He succeeded, but you are more concerned that he got dirty. Yeah! We’ll have to get into the puddle again, otherwise we won’t get your attention! An effective find! What if you hit your neighbor on the top of the head with a shovel? Yes, yes! Oh, how alarmed everyone was. “I won’t wear this dress, I won’t!” Class! Wow, Edrena Matryona, how can we live?!

I washed the floors myself – they just nodded and criticized me. According to Matysha (!) I received a nickel – “Well, finally.” If you read a book all day, no one will come near you. And in general, when everything is fine with me, everyone is busy with their own affairs, as if I were not there! “Oh, my head is pounding…” but it’s another thing, right away – a human attitude!

This is how, from birth and throughout our lives, we ourselves “train” children, reacting to the bad and ignoring the good. Responsiveness is the reward. Even if punishment, scandal, quarrel are the reward of trying to manage. And we punish and punish, and wonder why they are so stubborn.

What then is not a reward? It’s just non-reaction. Zero reaction. Remember, in close-knit groups the most terrible punishment was boycott.

Not react to crying, howling, rudeness, stubbornness? Yes. All this is really not worth attention. If the baby is unwell, help silently. React to what will become the person’s strengths. Rejoice in friendliness, normal communication, notice independence, cleanliness, courage, especially vigorously, and better yet, reward financially

any success. Not effort, but the RESULT. It should be advantageous for a person to be good, and not advantageous to be bad. What we choose to reward with our attention will become the child’s behavior.

And what are punishments then? And this is simply the strict implementation of business contracts. If you screwed up, you made someone’s life worse, although this was agreed upon – quietly and silently, fascist, get a grenade. Minshull gave pluses for the norm, minuses for aberrant behavior (it was agreed upon), and her sons’ pocket money depended on the result.

At one time, for any violation of order, I assigned “out-of-turn orders”, “hired” children for significant help, and valued each sheet of additional study exercises at a ruble (I compiled them myself).

Result: through the twisted contours of “push-button” behavior (outrageousness), an awareness of the results of one’s behavior, a taste for partnership and the ability to manage oneself emerged. I don’t have problems with children – isn’t that enough?

What is spoiling? Another favorite myth. On the one hand, the child is limited in everything and is forced to fight for freedom and survival. On the other hand, only the most conflicting, psychotic states are rewarded. As a result, the child knows for sure that being oneself and behaving normally is life-threatening. He is tense, depressed, torn, he is in constant struggle. He is obsessiveHe tries to manage people, and this forces him to constantly change roles. He is among people gripped by fear, who are “obliged to educate…” He is a PTS. Button war fighter. It is the parents of “spoiled”, that is, well-mannered children who would need this information. But they are the ones who will never take it seriously: they were “raised” in the same way!

In a reasonable society, all children will have the right to choose a family and leave their parents. And there will be such an opportunity. Close relatives rarely become friends, and almost never parents. They are “obliged” after all. But in a real good relationship it only happens: “That’s how I want it.” And you?”.

N.I. Kurdyumov

https://ecology.md/ru/page/kak-my-sozdaem-izbalovannost-uprjams