The destructive power of reproaches

The destructive power of reproaches

Published 15.03.2024 | By Йосиф

The destructive power of reproaches: they turn relationships into slavery

Reproaches destroy relationships. When one side often uses reproaches against the other, it creates hostility. Creates a constant atmosphere of discontent, misunderstanding and disrespect. Blaming causes people to feel undervalued, hurt, or rejected. Instead of helping to solve problems, reproaches destroy trust between the parties.

…Reproaches are a form of psycho-emotional violence against one another. And many families are mired in such emotional violence, hidden from consciousness, raising their children in this violence, communicating in this language at work, with friends and just acquaintances. And this form of communication is passed on as the only possible form of communication in society from generation to generation.

So what is reproach? This expressed accusation and disapproval, which naturally in the one to whom it is expressed, causes a feeling of guilt and a desire to defend and defend against the overwhelming wave of guilt.

Naturally, a person begins to defend himself in the same way, reproaching in response. It turns out to be a game of ping-pong, in which guilt serves as the ball. Relationships tinged with guilt become toxic and unbearable. They deprive both partners of freedom of choice. Since there is always a fear of being guilty and all actions and words in such relationships are aimed at avoiding falling into a feeling of guilt.

How to recognize a reproach?

It always looks like a “You-message”: “You did something wrong again. You did wrong. You’re doing it wrong.” This is always a judgment from the position: “I evaluate your actions as bad.” But I’m not talking about myself and my attitude towards your actions, but I’m talking about you and I condemn you.

If you communicate like this for a long time in the language of reproaches, then such a relationship will eventually come to a sad end. And it doesn’t matter whether the partners divorced or not. The relationship simply becomes hostile and toxic. In such relationships, the body can become ill with a serious illness and betrayal and other dramatic situations are not uncommon.

How to replace reproach?

Behind a reproach there is always an unsatisfied desire, a need of the reproacher. That is, he wants to ask for something, but for this he chooses the form of reproach, the form to which he became accustomed in the process of his development and to which his parents taught him. The fact is that parents sometimes do not know how to make their child comfortable and obedient and often manipulate based on feelings of guilt. But the guilty, as we know, are easier to manage. And then such a child grows up and it turns out that he no longer has any other language except reproach, and he himself turns out to be sensitive only to reproaches. Since there is a need behind the reproach, it can be replaced with a request.

An alternative to reproach is a request.

A request is always an “I-message”. If I don’t like something in your behavior, then I always have a choice of how to tell you: either “you’re bad” or “I’m upset and I don’t like it and I ask you not to do this to me again or I I ask you to talk to me like this.”

Please note that there is no reproach in the “I-message”, and therefore you do not turn on your partner’s defensive aggression and do not fall into his sense of guilt. There is a difference for you in saying: “You scared me” and “I was scared, don’t do that again, it scares me.” The same thing, but said differently. The first is a reproach and a “you-message”, and the second is a “I-message” and a request. So, if you try to turn every reproach into a request, then your relationship will stop collapsing further and destroying your health.

By the way, “You reproach me” is also a reproach, and “I hear this as a reproach, please turn it into a request” is no longer a reproach, but a request.

I would like to say one more thing in connection with the request.

Once I worked like this in pairs with a partner to stop reproaching each other. And I noticed how misunderstood a request can be. A request is something that involves both consent and refusal. This should not be forgotten when you ask.

Reproach does not imply refusal, since refusal will always be followed by guilt. In reproach there is no right to refuse and there is no freedom of choice. So, the main thing is not to turn the request into violence. If you’ve already been told no, then leave the person alone. All people have the right to “no”, including you. If you continue to insist in your request that your partner fulfill your desire, then you are already turning to violence. In fact, we reproach only to deprive the other person of the right to refuse us.

Reproach turns any relationship into slavery.

Yulia Latunenko

https://www.cluber.com.ua/lifestyle/psihologiya-lifestyle/2024/03/razrushitelnaya-sila-uprekov%e2%81%a0%e2%81%a0-oni-prevrashhayut-otnosheniya-v- rabstvo/