Forced care

Forced care

Published 23.02.2024 | By Йосиф

Forced care: abuse disguised as good intentions

By “doing good,” people strive for power over us, albeit unconsciously. They invade other people’s lives, and then get offended, calling the defense of personal boundaries black ingratitude…

Surely every person has at least once encountered a manifestation of care from which they wanted to run away.

When you simultaneously feel anger (I don’t want this and didn’t ask for it!), guilt (she’s trying so hard!) and powerlessness from not understanding what’s happening – as if you’ve been driven into a corner.

When you are faced with a choice – to refuse care and “offend” a person, or to accept it and betray yourself (put on a hat when you are not cold; eat another piece of pie because you “baked it yourself”; silently take with you a jar of lecho, which don’t like).

Under the guise of caring, the other obsessively offers to “do good”, does not hear you, is not interested in your desires, stubbornly pushing through and getting your way.

As in the joke:

“The family came to the restaurant, the waitress addressed the child:

– What is it for you, young man?

“Hamburger and ice cream,” the boy answers.

Here mom intervenes:

– He’ll have a salad and a chicken cutlet, please.

The waitress, continuing to look at the boy:

— Ice cream with chocolate or caramel?

– Mom mom! – the child shouts, “Aunt thinks I’m real!”

Under the veil of “care”, it’s true that you feel unreal (my desires are not important, I am not important).

However, the caring person may even be interested in your desires: “How many potatoes should I put in?”, but in response to “Thank you, I don’t want it,” he immediately generously puts it on the plate, saying, “Eat, eat, it’s healthy (you’re so thin , hungry, etc.).”

Which can just drive you crazy with its “double message” (I’m interested in you, but I don’t care what you want). When you can’t help but wonder, “Hey, am I okay? Do I even exist?

Love, care, tenderness, passion – everything can be violence if it is not based on the response of another person. For some reason, people often, in the rush of their bright feelings, forget about this. And they put an equal sign: I love, which means I have the right to show love in any forms and in any quantity. As best I can. Kissing without asking whether it’s pleasant for the other person or if that’s enough. Demand to speak words of love when the other does not want to do so. Carefully add the supplement when your loved one is already full.

Such “care” is much more subtle and cunning, penetrates and hurts much deeper than direct aggression. After all, it’s easier to protect yourself from rage, anger and devaluation. And here it’s scary to destroy relationships – with parents, loved ones, friends. Scary – because we were all undernourished with love in childhood and are afraid of losing it. Because the other will not understand, will be offended, will leave, will reject, because he is absolutely sure that he is causing good and causing irreparable benefit. And this confidence increases his strength to incredible proportions and removes the patina of shame that accompanies an act of violence in healthy people.

By showing such “care”, a person actually takes care of himself (when he is afraid that he will be abandoned and tries to become indispensable, when he wants to get something in return, when he considers another stupider, more helpless, etc., and therefore imposes his own vision of happiness).

Such gentle violence is the result of his insecurities or other internal problems. He always expects gratitude and obedience, gets offended if he is ignored, panics if care is not accepted. Not even allowing the thought that the other has the right to choose (including the right to treat themselves poorly).

When faced with such concern, it is important to remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They have the right to feel whatever they want about you, but only they are responsible for how they manage their feelings.

It is important to allow yourself to have boundaries and the right to protect them as you see fit at the moment: to separate yours from others, set barriers, be attentive to what is happening in relationships, forgive yourself if you did not immediately manage to take care of your comfort, etc. .

It is important to remember that real care is always focused on the other and takes into account his interests – when a person cares about another and his well-being, he hears him, is attentive to his needs and will not demand anything in return. Showing sincere care, a person finds and gives to another not what he thinks “he needs,” but what corresponds to his nature.

Author: Oksana Shulga

https://www.cluber.com.ua/lifestyle/psihologiya-lifestyle/2024/02/nasilnaya-zabota-abyuz-zamaskirovannyj-pod-dobrye-namereniya/