This magic phrase uttered in the midst of a quarrel

This magic phrase, uttered in the midst of a quarrel

Published 21.12.2023 | By Йосиф

This magic phrase, uttered in the midst of a quarrel, turns any conflict into a solvable problem

According to family psychologists, there are several words that can reduce the intensity of emotions. Take them into consideration when fighting with your loved one!

After 10 years of marriage, Ashley still argues emotionally with her husband. Often, such clashes arise due to disagreements about work and leisure, since she and her husband are very labor-intensive professions. “Last time, we argued about our careers and how our decisions affect our family and children – how much time we spend together, what household responsibilities we have. At some point the passions heated up and we started blaming each other,“ the young woman said.

But one day, during a heated argument, Inez accidentally finds a secret phrase that becomes the key to solving all problems. “I said to my husband,’ Hey, remember, we’re on the same team.’ “By saying these words, they act as a brake on the argument and help you remind yourself that the person facing you is not actually your enemy. Now you can listen to your partner, find a compromise, and come to a solution to the problem, instead of standing still and arguing.”

And she’s really right. Family therapists confirm that the phrase has the amazing effect of deterring any arguments that arise in the couple. When these words are used correctly (do not repeat them every few hours, otherwise they will lose their meaning), the conflict becomes a solvable problem. Shared in a moment of strife, the phrase becomes a reminder that marriage is a team sport.

“When I say’ We are on the same team’, I mean that this tense situation and disagreement between us are completely unnecessary and that I still want us to be together and work on the relationship. The phrase stops the defensive tone of the disputants and gives a boost of awareness to find a way to solve the problem,“ says psychologist Marie Land. Even a 10-second pause during an argument can help calm you down, she adds.

This little trick only becomes more effective over time. If you have already used the command in question once to calm your partner, repeating the words will remind him that you can find a compromise and get along. According to family therapist Jennifer Chappell Marsh, reminders really work because they highlight the important things in a relationship.

When people argue, their communication takes place on two different levels: the first is the subject of discussion (what?), the second is the process of discussion (how?). “Often, simple discussions turn into arguments because of the way people communicate,” she said. When you show that you are against it from the beginning, the dialogue is doomed. You can win an argument or get your partner to agree with you, but you lose sight of the real purpose. It is necessary to face the enemy (the big problem you are arguing about) and defeat him as a united team.”The use of this phrase shows that emotions have taken over and outstripped the desire to win the argument at all costs,” Chappell added.

This solution is so simple that a logical question arises in our heads: Why are we so fixated on unconditional victory in an argument? Why is it so hard to pay attention to the fact that we are a team? “I think it’s because everyone wants to be heard and recognized so that victory comes before partnership. On a primitive level, if you win an argument, you will most likely be heard and somewhat understood. This option looks good, ” Jennifer added.

On the other hand, losing an argument can cause feelings of fear and disappointment. You feel insecure and this causes the desire to defend yourself or run away. To avoid this difficulty and negative emotions, people enter a fight, trying to come out victorious. “That’s why people end up being aggressive instead of thinking of themselves as a team,” Marsh said.

However, many admit that the concept of playing in a single team can be difficult to accept at first. Marriage psychologist Trey Morgan has been married for 31 years. Now he uses this trick, but his path to change has been a long one. “When we were fighting, we both wanted to prove that we were right, and, frankly, we wanted to prove that the other was wrong. It took us a few years to realize that we were on the same team. We realized that we either win together or lose together, because that’s what happens in a team,” he told an interviewer.

After the team concept became an integral part of Trey’s marriage, he noticed that things improved dramatically. “Once you remember it, you calm down,” Morgan admits.

How do you talk when you realize you are a team? Marriage therapist Winfred Riley suggests asking questions that will help you understand your partner’s point of view. Ask any questions: “What is most important to you here?”, “What upset you so much?”, “What do I need to find out?”. Just do it and don’t prove your point,” she explains.

Once you accept the rules of the team game, try to use them in everyday family life. “Remember that when one of you wins and the other loses, you both lose. Even if everything goes according to your plan, ultimately a solution that is a compromise will bring much more benefits in the long run,” Riley concludes.
Author
Antonia Mihaylova

https://woman.bg/article/2023111614250567191

P.S. Never forget about the protective ego reaction that creates competition, and each tries to prove that they are as good as the other-and such competition becomes more and more meaningless. Yosif Yorgov